Mandatory Shoe Policy

Comply, slugs.

The left foot must first be placed into the
footwear and the approved fastening device
(shoestring, shoelace, bootlace, cord, tie, etc.)
must be tightened and securely affixed in the
standard, federally approved double bow
arrangement (See Section 143.2(e), Paragraph
3.7.1, "Illustrated Instructions for Manipulation
of Bindings for Human Podiatal Coverings." The
Right shoe may then be applied and fastened to
the right foot only after the left shoe has been
applied to the left foot in the previously
mandated manner. Failure to follow the
prescribed order of events will result in fine
and/or imprisonment.

Enforcement of the new shoe-putting-on regulations
is covered under a section known as the "Know Your
Shoe Customer Law." Shoe store sales staff will
be required to watch potential shoe purchasers for
"patterns of unusual behavior." Any attempt to
shod right foot piggies before putting on a left
shoe must be immediately reported to the footwear
detectives, known legally as "shoe gumshoes."

The rest.